I told the algorithm to give me what I want. And it did: a Liquid Drum n Bass Music Collection on YouTube. I am just about all set up. Writing to it. Although I’m not too sure as to what about this is so sacred, I can at least feel it. I am tired, and under the duress of a kind of nervous energy, but I love the moment well enough. I truly do. I feel at peace with who I am and what is going on. ¶ I am aware that I get to choose what about the shit in life I experience speaks to me. I am aware that it is a great deal a choice of mine. There are things—many precious openable books—I can look into. There is a path for those who seek it out. And anything is possible that you can make true in your heart and believe in. I truly believe that. It is all vague and very big picture. But take today, for instance. I can use the prayers and instruction my sponsor gave me to use: the serenity prayer, the 3rd Step prayer, and asking to be useful. I can do these things earnestly and start my day already having given up the things outside my control right up to my higher power. Whether or not I know what that is. The fabric of reality; the universe; the planets’ alignments’ variant rearrangements in the vast vacuum of space; gravity; some greater more intelligent being who knows the truth; truth itself; who knows…; etc. I can actively do that and maybe get out of the house and do something with my day. I can be an active participant in my own life. I can actuate change in myself and the world around me just by being. Actively. Just by doing. Soft are the words and hard is the way. It is worth it, I think, to expend some real effort into whatever you do. That is how you get something out of it. Paying attention, looking at what you’re doing, being a part of it and engaging and interfacing with the world around you. That is surely a key. To something. Who knows. I used to think I enjoyed the vagueness of life, but recently it’s the vaguenesses that’ve been giving my spirit a hard time, I think. I The real self-given test is to render the test trivial. Maybe. Insofar as to overcome the problem is a natural course of action. These buzz phrases, too: “course of action.” They ring some bell-like stimulus inside with which we can resonate and come subconsciously closer to understanding what is meant when it is used in what is said. Something like that. You see? There: the last few sentences. They were not so much realized; there was not that effort really put into them; there was not the trudging through language to communicate a meaning. The sentences seem more vacant. There is something perhaps palpable, on a spiritual level, missing. ¶ So then, to return: life for all intents and purposes (another buzz phrase) has already happened. You get to choose how to see it. That is one of the more comforting ways I know to look at things. I think there can be some real solace in that. Though it really is difficult to wrap my head around. I just know that there are beautiful books and things to be done, including writing and reading and interacting. I don’t want to waste so much of my time self-criticizing and worrying anymore. I want to enjoy my own personage and who my soul feels it is and to enjoy that and every aspect of myself. I want to savor being a person. I want to appreciate the life I have and to bless myself with the power I’ve been given to do so, however ably I can. So I can forge my own destiny, here, and it is all in the eye of the beholder, see? You can determine for yourself who you are just by judging the reflection of yourself you see in everything. In the sense that everything is you—the world your mirror, because you take it all in through your own experience and senses—you are able to see aspects of yourself you would otherwise be blind to. The things you enjoy about other people are character traits you possess. The things you revile in the world are judgements you could very well levy against yourself—you are. There are feelings; feel them. They are there for a reason. And if it is to teach you what your truest self does not want around or to be, then that is a good reason. Learn from your mistakes by way of the feelings. It is a good thing, to be able to feel. It is an example of the empirical fact that people change. And that change is a constant. ¶ So then I wonder a little about maybe why I haven’t been able to feel so much, recently. What it might all mean. Maybe, as I trudge forth, and continue down this path, I will be able to feel again, because I will be ready to change. That is something I’d like to believe. Either way, the truth is the absolute for me which most represents what I want the most. If it is true, it sings all on its own. I hear and see it in the people at AA. I listen to their stories and shares and little conversations, and I hear the truth in and through them and it inspires the truth in me. What I want, I get, through their presences. It’s really something else. There was something to do with “growing along spiritual lines” which was said. And many other instances. At a speaker meeting in Provo, Utah, I heard a man who’d been meandering a little suddenly spout some bolts from the blue, one of which was “I became everybody I judged.” And it was so true. It was like I could hear God speaking through him to me. I think, now that I think about it, to simplify and purify things, my higher power is Truth itself. That’s as far as I can really understand it. The fabric of reality—the core of the ultimate truth. Who knows. I love appending that. To the end of my thoughts on the vaguenesses, because it feels so true to me: who knows. Maybe I know. Maybe I just have to, with the conviction of a living, participating person, take up the mantle of truth by admitting how little I know and giving over that powerlessness to Truth. Abandon myself to God. All that. Who knows.