What I’m starting to feel is that The Golden Damned is a form of meditation—more and more…. Full focus on a thing or maybe more of a “holding of space” for oneself. I feel the need to meditate more. I know that it can be good for me. Since coming off of the hallucinogenics, I’ve only had a couple flashbacks. And I desire so greatly to have that feeling again. Of an altered state of consciousness. It’s a dangerous line to toe, maybe, that level of want. To feel suddenly sucked out of a way of seeing the world and left in the flatness you started off in. To feel divested of the truth you were exposed to which while you could see it you experienced so cogently (“…, so potently”). To have something like a sense of that truth in the form of a memory but not really to know in the sense of the present. Which brings me back to what meditation kind of is for me: presence. Presence of mind. Something else. Not all too easily known. I’m not sure.
But there’s definitely something there. It feels like my gateway to understanding spirituality. My own spirituality. To having a connection. But also, I think I’m too cognizant of my want to change and that desire and not playing enough in the larger world that is life itself. I can’t fully tell. I just love that I’m able to have dreams when I’m asleep, and able to try to dream. I want to be able to reach something more, to attempt to transcend. I’m not too sure. But I love it. The being of being alive. I love it. I am so grateful for it. I should be dead right now. I’m super blessed by things.